Forgiving may be one of the more difficult parts of your divorce journey.
It’s difficult because when the wounds are raw, it’s hard to understand the benefits. Many of the instructions we’ve heard, like “forgive and forget” don’t help.
It just feels impossibly hard.
So what’s In It for you?
When you’re able to find forgiveness, the internal churning stops. The constant internal arguments with your Ex are no longer necessary and they start to fade away. All the energy you’ve put into keeping track of the other’s moves and motives—and adjusting your life to dodge them, track them, or attack them—is over. Forgiveness starts to lead into positive behaviors, just as non-forgiveness spills over to negative behaviors.
The thing is, forgiving is for us. Not for the person who hurt us.
What do I really mean by forgiveness?
The most useful way to look at forgiving that I know of is to think of it as releasing a debt.
When my husband made a choice that really broke us apart, he hurt me. Badly. I wanted to make him pay, to suffer somehow and feel the same amount of hurt that I did.
And yes, I could see that he was suffering. I was glad to see him stew in it, but eventually I realized it was just exhausting holding on to this resentment, and trying to maintain the grip it had on me.
So I made a choice.
The power of letting go
I made a decision to let go of the resentment and thoughts of revenge. And with it came feelings of peace and clarity. It felt much better. It was a decision to let go of the hurt and turn toward creating new meaning.
I felt lighter, like I could breathe again.
OK but this feels hard….so how do I start to forgive?
Forgiveness is not a one-time choice. We have to choose to forgive, to let go, over and over. It’s a journey, not a destination.
Here’s a couple of tips to help you get started:
Acknowledge your feelings: Before you can forgive, it's important to recognize and validate your emotions. Allow yourself to feel hurt, angry, or disappointed without judgment. Journaling can be helpful in processing these emotions.
Practice empathy: Try to see the situation from your Ex's perspective. This doesn't mean excusing their actions, but understanding that they, too, are human and fallible. Remember that people often act out of their own pain or insecurities.
Thing is, this is not easy work.
If you want to find peace and forgiveness, and need help to get there, let’s talk. We go much deeper into the “how” in my Beyond Divorce Breakthrough program, and I’d love to tell you more about that. Use this link to set up time for a chat about how you can finally find the peace you deserve.
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